Yesterday Paul and I went to Mass at Our Lady of Lourdes parish somewhere in MO. The church was large and filled with many young families. There were more newborns than I have seen at one mass in a long time!
Before I ever met Paul, I knew that God was calling me to be a mother. I've wanted to take my children to met our Lord in Adoration. To share my love and faith with a new soul that God had given my husband and I the responsibility of helping to lead to heaven. To help someone "to know, love and serve God so [they] could be happy with Him in this world and the next". When I was still single I tried my best to fulfill that aspect of my vocation by teaching all my classes in a way that my students saw Christ in all things (Yes, even Math!). I took my Godddaughter to Mass and Adoration. I even took her to her first Christian concert.
I assumed that once I was married God would send us one baby after another. Sadly, that wasn't part of God's plan for us yet. Paul and I are from wonderfully large families and we never thought that we'd have a hard time having children.
Last Christmas we lost our first baby very early on. We named our little one Paul Joshua- Little P.J., our angel in heaven. That week we found out that my cousin, who was three months pregnant with her first, had breast cancer. Despite our aching hearts, we knew we must trust in the Will of the Lord and that our P.J. would be a strong intercessor for my cousin and her baby. My cousin safely delivered her daughter in May and is now preparing for a bi-lateral mastectomy. I rejoice that she and the baby are doing better than expected, but I can't help but to still grieve that I will never get to hold my little P.J. in this world.
Seven months have gone by and we still haven't been able to get pregnant again. I know God has a plan and, despite my weakness, I do trust in that plan. We have taken advantage of the special time God has given us to develop our relationship and we always enjoy the adventures that help us to grow closer to eachother and to fall more deeply in love. But, seeing all those families and their children at Mass yesterday, made my heart ache with longing.
After church, Paul and I spoke about how each of us has been feeling the desire for children and how we feel as though we haven't been able to fulfill our vocations fully- almost the way we felt when we were single and felt the anxiousness to move forward in our lives and to begin living out the vocation of marriage. That too was a time of trusting in the Lord and knowing that His timing is perfect in all things. We met and fell in love at a time when God knew we were ready- not when we THOUGHT we were ready. His time IS perfect. And so we continue to walk forward trusting in Him.
While Paul and I waited for God to bring us to each other, we did the work of God in the situations He presented us. We are trying to see the situations in which we can now serve Christ as a married couple. One small way has been by praying together for all the children and people who are alone. Especially children waiting for families to adopt them. We are praying to be able to adopt children ourselves when we are financially able to. This is what marriage is about-praying together through the hard times.
Each day is a journey of trust, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Praying that we don't allow our lives to be motivated by selfishness, but by sacrifice. Offering up our hurts and heartaches for those who are hurting with out the faith to see them through their difficult times.
We are especially praying for couples who are able to adopt, to be open to that special calling. Their are so many children in need of love and families. But, it is so easy for us to feel comfort in our routine or to fear not being able to meet the financial or emotional needs of an adopted child. We are all called to adopt these children, wether it is through bringing a child into our home or praying daily for a child in need and trusting that God will send the right people into that childs life. It is all about Trust in the Lord.
Please view the children waiting for families on this link http://www.reecesrainbow.com/ and, as a family, pray for them. Our prayers, joined with yours, will bless these and all children in need. For now, these are the children God has placed in our lives.
Paul and I are the parent of P.J., the Godparents of two beautiful little girls, and we can try to provide for the spiritual needs of many children through our prayers. This spiritual "parenting" seems to be what God is calling us to in this place and this time. It is another step in faith and another means of fulfilling our vocation.